Secret Confession

It did not start this way, but I can no longer ignore the feelings of wanting to be a woman. If I had to guess, I'd say that this all started at puberty, when for reasons I was not sure of, I started sneaking into my older sister's room and putting on her nighties, bras, and panties. This went on throughout my teen years and I am surprised I never was caught. Throughout my teens, twenties, and even into my thirties, I was attracted to women. I dated and even had sex with them. When I moved out of my parent's home around age twenty, I lived with a woman and one day while she was at work, I found myself in our walk-in-closet staring at her clothes; especially her dresses. I was drawn to put her clothes on and it was not long before I was wearing her dresses, panties, bras, and heels around our apartment while she was out. I remember that I'd leave the patio blinds open because the girl across the courtyard would watch me from her bedroom while wearing only a bra and panties. Also, I began going out in public dressed in her clothes. At first, it only involved driving around driving around, though it evolved into situations where I would go into women's clothing stores, and then into local businesses. At that time, for some reason, I would get excited if other women saw me dressed that way; that appeared to be my primary motivation. This conduct continued with other women I dated for years, but I eventually started experimenting with makeup, jewelry, wigs, and going all the way with dressing and looking like a woman. I started having fantasies about what it would be like to be in the female's role for men, and about buying female toys to experiment with. Well, one night while I was all dressed up and out as a female, a guy pulled up next to me in a parking lot and he started talking to me. One thing led to another and he asked me if I would talk to him in his car, and I agreed. After getting into his car, within a very short time, it was obvious that he wanted to do much more than just talk. As I sat next to him he began to pleasure himself. I remember feeling really nervous, though I could not leave. I did not know why, but what he was doing was making me very excited and I could not help but stare. He could sense that I was unable to look away and that I was interested. Before I knew it, I was giving him oral pleasure. After we were done, I jumped out of his car and drove away quickly thinking that I'd never do that again. But, about three weeks later, I could not help thinking about it and what I did, and especially how much I wanted to do it again. I continued to date women and even got engaged for a short period of time thereafter, but after the engagement ended I focused primarily on dressing up completely as a woman, going out, and having sex with men. I placed some ads in local online links seeking men, and I responded to ads where men (single and married) wanted to meet a shemale. When I do meet men, it is always with me in the female's role, and the men must always treat me just like I am the woman. I've tried stopping and I have really struggled with this and these feelings for a very long time; and honestly, to this day I still do. Few people know this about me because I carry the guy thing off well, but the truth is I struggle with thoughts of wanting to dress up, be with men, and be a woman. In fact, most mornings, even though I say I won't when I go to sleep, I cannot help but start my day by wearing panties, a bra, heels, and pleasuring myself with one of my female toys. When it is over, I usually feel bad, but the feelings return rather quickly. When I was younger, I'd go weeks and even months before the feelings would return and take over. Now, they seem to control my thoughts and actions on a daily basis; sometimes even interfering with work (which seems to be increasing more and more). I even started a FB page to "sort of come out," listing myself as the female I want to be; or at least the female I think I want to be. Part of me gets really angry and upset when I think of all the time I've wasted already not acting on these feelings; and especially in not going forward with transforming to a woman. I think that I could have enjoyed my younger years as a female and now it's frustrating to think how much time I let go by fighting this. Also, I've done a good job hiding this from everyone, including my family and friends. There are only a very few who suspect what is going on, and even less that actually know I've dressed up as a woman and that I have gone out as a woman. Honestly, I wish thing were different. I mean, when I was younger, I never thought I was gay, or that I wanted to be a woman. I did all the guys things, and again, I was attracted to women a lot. But along the way, something changed; and now, it is something I fight on a daily basis. At times, I feel as though I have a split personality, or that one is developing and the female side is taking over more and more. So that's my secret confession.

— Donald, 44