10 Things She Doesn't Want To Hear In Bed

Not sure how to sweet talk your woman in the sack? If you have to inquire about the do's and don'ts of pillow talk, here's a hint: Try not talking at all.

There's nothing worse than a guy who rambles on while we women are trying to get our rocks off. We don't want to hear about how your boss didn't like your T.P.S. report -- you can tell us about that later, while you're cleaning up. We could not care less if you have a cramp in your butt -- just keep going. If you absolutely must say something, keep it in the "Wow, you're beautiful" or "I've never felt so good in my life" range. We thrive on those kinds of compliments, even if you don't entirely mean them. On the other hand, whatever you do, under no circumstances should you mutter the following things. Because before you know it, you'll be back to Saturday nights spent ogling the Victoria's Secret catalog:

  1. "Are you wearing courderoy pants, or have you not shaven your legs in months?"

  2. "Wow! You remind me exactly of my mother when you do that."

  3. "Let's turn off the lights so I don't have to look at your jiggly, fat ass."

  4. "Honey, have you ever considered applying for Extreme Makeover?"

  5. "It smells like hot garbage in here!"

  6. "That feels okay, but my last girlfiend used to do it like this. Watch, I'll show you..."

  7. "The guys are all over at ___________'s watching the game, gambling and drinking. I wonder what the score is."

  8. "Too much tequila -- I think I'm gonna puke."

  9. "I'm trying to think of this episode of The Simpsons and for the life of me I cannot remember the entire plot line. Help me out, will ya? It starts out when Homer and Bart are in the grocery store loading up on Duff..."

  10. "By the way, I'm a raging homosexual."

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Try These Pickup Lines

  • You come on as strong as a garlic milkshake!
  • Hey, did you fart? Because you blew me away!
  • Would you be impressed if I stuck my tongue out and licked my eyebrows?
  • Hi, my name is Tommy, and I want you to be my baby's mommy.
  • You can call me milk because I'll do your body good.