Wife Going Out To Bars
You might call my wife and me ďold soulsĒ. We donít have any kids yet (weíre trying) but we enjoy each otherís company and prefer a night home watching movies and drinking wine. We used to be go out at least a few times a week but those days are long over. At least, thatís what I thought. Recent¨ly she began hanging around a female co-worker of hers who is recently divorced (and on the prowl!). My wife has been spending a lot of time with this new friend and they are going to bars and having ďgirl timeĒ. Iím afraid of who else she may meet at these bars. I know my wife wouldnít cheat on me, but I donít understand her need to hang out with her new friend so much. Should I be worried? Walker-31
Thank you for your letter. I understand your concern. However, the first thing you need to do is figure out the true source of your apprehension. Is it the amount of time your wife is spending with her new BFF? Or is it where theyíre spending that time? Next, consider the circumstances. Your wifeís new friend has just gone through a divorce, which is a traumatic and stressful life event. Supporting a friend during such a period, including spending a lot of time together is quite common. However, going to bars isnít the same as a going out to a restaurant or to a movie. The fact is your wife can be with her friend in a lot of places other than a bar. Should you be worried? I donít have enough information to answer that question. You didnít mention how often your wife goes out, how long she stays, or if her socializing is causing her to neglect other responsibilities.
What you should be concerned with is your statement about not understanding your wifeís need to hang out with her new friend so much. That tells me you and your wife havenít had a direct and caring conversation about this issue. You need a discussion Ė not to win an argument or justify your worry, but for the purpose of understanding. Ask your wife why she spends so much time with her new friend and why they choose to do this in bars. Express your concern, listen to her responses and work out a solution together. The solution must be win-win, otherwise itís lose-lose.
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NOTE: The information contained herein is provided for information purposes, and not intended as a substitute for advice or treatment that may or should be prescribed by your physician or recommended by your therapist.