What A Guy Wants

Okay, ladies, you want to know what your lover REALLY wants in bed? Can you handle the unvarnished, no-crap, 100% truth? Well, here it is. Men do NOT want the following: cuddling, sweet talk, lingering hugs to watch romantic comedies or "chick" flicks, brilliant intellectual discussions about male/female relationships in the twenty-first century, stimulating conversation on gender bias against women in the workplace, romantic interludes that include any mention of children - theirs or anyone else's, to hear how your day went, who's dating who, or fashion news, an hour-long preparation for actual sex with candles, bubble baths, or touchie-feelie snuggles, to listen to you reading excerpts from a sex instruction manual, to hear how your previous lovers brought you to the pinnacle of orgasm with lingering foreplay, and they do not want to lie in bed after sex and watch you "glow" with an aura of satisfaction. What men DO want are the following: quick oral sex while he's driving you to the motel, to watch a John Wayne marathon on TV while you give him oral, a brilliant intellectual discussion about the world's greatest oral sex encounters while you're giving him oral, stimulating conversation on gender bias against oral sex at the workplace, the satisfaction of knowing that children cannot be conceived during oral sex, to tell you how his day went while you're doing a Hoover on him, an hour-long preparation for actual sex with oral first, to read you excerpts from a sex manual on how to give really great oral while you're doing it, to tell you how their previous lovers gave them better oral, while you're doing it, and to lie in bed after sex and watch you go down on him one more time. In other words, "You can beat eggs, beat a carpet, and beat business competitors, but you can't beat great oral."

— Lou, 27

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