Finding It Only To Lose It

A few years back, my husband's best friend and I became really close friends. He was away on business a lot, so his friend would come over to keep me from being to lonely. We would hang out, listen to music, go to the park, or go to an all night diner. We had a blast. I really came to love his company, and had my husband didn't mind our suddenly stronger relationship. I didn't realize it, but I had fallen in love with him. One day, we were at a park setting on a log when he and I somehow ended up making out. I don't really know how it happened because I never saw it coming. At the time I hadn't even thought about my feelings for him. He actually was the one who stopped it, but I was still floored. I went home and felt so confused by the encounter. I thought at first it must just have been me being really lonely, and that he couldn't have been the real cause. The next night, we sat in a car at a friend's house, and he told me he had been in love with me for a good long time. I realized that I had actually loved him for a long time, too. I honestly had just always been in denial from my extreme devotion for my husband. I really felt a great devotion for my husband, even if I didn't have the same type of love that I had for his friend. I told him that nothing could ever be between us because I knew he was my husband's best friend and that doing anything with him would hurt my husband mortally. I then told him I felt nothing for him love-wise as a way to help him to keep from getting any deeper feelings. I lied. I knew at the very moment I was saying it, and I had a huge lump grow in my throat that stayed there all night. After he left for his house, I did something stupid which I regret to this day, but I was still totally confused. I never saw much of my husband's friend after that night. I was heart broken for a very long time and still think about it sometimes and cry to my pillow. I am no longer with my husband, and I sometimes think about the what-ifs, but he is married now and I missed my chance. I just hope he is as happy in his marriage as I would have liked him to be. I just want people to know that if they ever find love they need, to be just a little greedy because it hurts like hell when you find it and lose it.

— Carol, 26

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