During Sex She Called Another Man's Name!

QUESTION: I'm a 40-year-old man, married for almost 10 years. I thought my wife and I had a very strong and loving marriage. But she said another man's name last week while we were making love.

I'm pretty sure she didn't realize it. Should this be something I should bring up with her? Or should I just try to forget I heard it? What do you think it means?

ANSWER: Family therapists Irene S. Kolker, M.S.W., and Jerome L. Kolker, M.S.W., of Merion, Pa., have this advice for you:

Hearing your wife say another man's name while making love has obviously been troubling you and affecting your relationship with your wife. If you say nothing about it, your relationship may continue to suffer the destructive impact of this secret.

We believe it would be best to try to resolve this issue by telling your wife you heard her say another man's name. However, the way you approach telling her can make all the difference.

Was It a Fantasy?

You may be assuming that her saying another man's name means she is having an affair. This is not necessarily the case.

Your wife may have been having a fantasy about another man during lovemaking with you. It's very common for people to have fantasies about others during sex, even in the most loving and monogamous of marriages.

The fantasy may have been about someone she's recently met, or a lover of hers before she met you or a public person she's never met, such as a movie star.

Bring It Up Casually

Sometime when you're both relaxed - after dinner, say - bring up the subject in as casual and nonconfrontational a way as possible. Say something like, "Honey, the other night when we were making love, I thought I heard you call out 'Roger.' My name is Bob, remember?"

She May Be Embarrassed

When talking to your wife about this, be respectful of the possibility that you have been accidentally privy to her private territory.

Her sexual fantasy life may be something your wife is not comfortable talking to you about. So don't press her if she tells you she must have been having a sexual fantasy when she blurted out another man's name.

Pep Up Sex By Sharing Fantasies?

On the other hand, your broaching the subject may open up a new and enriching realm of sexual adventure for you and your wife. You may find that you're both comfortable talking about your sexual fantasies.

For many couples, the sharing of sexual fantasies leads to better sex and greater intimacy.

But It May Be an Affair

However, there's also the possibility that when you tell your wife you heard her say another man's name during lovemaking, she'll divulge an affair. We know nothing about the history of your marriage or how such a revelation might affect it.

You and your wife may need marital counseling to help you resolve issues surrounding an affair.

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