Crush on Friend Is Not Returned
Q: I've been friends with this girl for 8 years, and I've always had a crush on her. My senior year of high school I decided I was going to tell her how I felt before we graduated and went our separate ways. I wanted to know if she felt something or not so I could move on with my life. So I gave her a pretty strong letter (through her sister), which said exactly how I felt. A few weeks later she called me and was pretty surprised that I was expecting an answer as to how she felt. She told me that she used to like me, and that she just broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years, and we talked a little more, but nothing more was said about my letter.
So after a few normal letters to her, I got her phone number. After this, in my eyes we had started the process of getting to know each other in a different way. My question is, we've been talking on the phone now for a good 4 months, and every time I get a hold of her she seems interested in talking to me, and always asks for me to call back. During this time she has never said no to me, and has never said no to us going out. But she almost never calls me. So what do I do? -- Eric, 20
Dr. Susan: If you're satisfied with this sort of emotionally distant relationship, keep doing what you're doing. If not, try to move things along a bit by asking why she doesn't call you. She may be a traditional sort of girl who expects you to do the calling, rather than being the type who shares the responsibility equally. It's really hard to tell what she's feeling if she doesn't express herself. You may not be able to make much progress until you actually get together in person. You say she hasn't said no to going out, but you haven't done that yet. Try being more definite about how and when you'll do that.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.