First Date Was Last Date
Q: I met this woman in college that I really like. She is 30, attractive, sophisticated, intelligent, the works. Two weeks into the relationship everything seemed to be very good. However, after the first real date, it seems that she is losing interest. On our real first date it kind of felt like I was on a job interview, but I expected that. Since then it's been very hard to get hold of her. Finally she called and explained that she's been very busy with school. From the beginning she admitted that she doesn't open up quickly, but for some reason I doubt that, since there is no easy way to get hold of her like before. When I asked her whether we are going out at the end of the week, she said "maybe." Should I keep going with the relationship, or do you think this is going nowhere? -- Tom, 32
Dr. Susan: You can't keep going with the "relationship," because it isn't a relationship yet. If, on the first real date, she asked a lot of questions and then stopped being reachable, that means she decided she isn't interested. She's trying to be kind by saying she's busy. She's not that busy, but she's too busy to spend time with someone she's eliminated from her search. Do you really want to waste a lot of time pursuing someone who isn't going to meet you halfway? Don't you want to find someone who is all those good things (like smart and pretty), and who is also sweet and warm? Forget sophisticated -- that sounds more like distant to me. Ask her out one more time, for something specific. If she won't commit to a date, you've reached a dead end.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.