Doesn't Want to Be Her Best Friend

Q: How do you get someone who you talk with on the phone or IM on a daily basis to look at you as more than a friend? I've shared views with this one girl for over a year, while she's been on and off again with other guys. Can a guy be too nice and supportive? Should I give up the friendship, since I've slowly fallen for her? I know now that I'm not in the cards. I was wondering if there were any suggestions to change her view. She always calls me when she has problem. We haven't dated, however we have been out together. We live hundreds of miles apart and she wants to visit for the holidays. I would love to see her, but can't deal with the reality of not being closer. We know each other's deepest darkest secrets. Should I slowly fade away from her to avoid being hurt more? There are times she leads me to believe we might have a future and there are times when it looks improbable. That is what is confusing for me. Should I continue to fish or cut bait and run? -- Patrick, 43

Dr. Susan: You can stop being confused. You are her friend, the one she complains about her boyfriends to. That's the pattern that has evolved between you, for whatever reason. I would never say you were too nice, but rather that she never felt the chemical charge for you that she happens to find with guys who are more like strangers to her. I wouldn't encourage her to visit. As she lives so far away, cut down on the conversations, don't be available, and so on. Remain distant friends, or let her go entirely if having intermittent contact with her is too frustrating to you. It's nice to have friends of whatever gender, but your longing for her is getting in the way of your dating and getting to know other women who might offer a more satisfying future. It's truly rare outside of Hollywood movies to have a woman suddenly see her male friend as a romantic interest. Don't wait around for that to happen.

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