22 and Never Been Kissed

Q: For all my 22 years of being alive I have never been kissed, not even on the cheek by my own parents. It hasn't really bothered me at all, I simply chalk it up to things have played out that way, but it has been somewhat frustrating at times. My entire life I have never even been remotely attractive to anyone, which is fine I guess; I mean I can't exactly make myself attractive I suppose, but it is still somewhat demoralizing. I guess it could also be because I have a somewhat aloof demeanor, but I am always kind, courteous, and welcoming of everyone I meet. And so, at the age of 22, and being a 200% virgin, it's becoming more of an issue and nuisance for me; especially when everyone around me, even my 14, 13, 12, even 11 year old friends are getting infinitely more "action" than I. I suppose this is a problem, since it does irk me every now and then, so I suppose I am looking for some advice. -- Andy, 22

Dr. Susan: It's okay to come right out and say you're tired of feeling like no one loves you and you wish you could have a relationship. If it's just "action" you want, then I can't really help you, but if you want to connect with young women, then you'll have to become more aware of what women like in a man. Kind and courteous are a start, but you need to stop thinking about what you're missing and start paying attention to the real persons behind those female bodies. I think you began life with a deficit in that your parents sound shockingly cold. You're going to have to spend some effort to counteract that withholding beginning. Attractiveness, by the way, isn't so much a matter of the shape of your facial features, but of the warmth of your personality. The words you use to describe your situation are a bit "off" to me: demoralizing, nuisance, irksome.

Consider this the start of a project to make yourself more inviting as a person, and stop thinking of yourself as somehow losing out to 11 year olds. Later bloomers can easily make up for "lost" time with an enthusiastic attitude. Shy, I understand. Aloof, on the other hand, can come across as though you feel superior. You don't want to come off that way.

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