Married, but Gay
Q: I have been married for many years, during which I've been very sexually frustrated. My wife and I seldom have sex. My best friend has the same problem with his wife. He and I have discovered each other. I didn't think I would or could ever enjoy sex with another male, but I do. I can't tell my wife, she was brought up in a strict religious background and could never accept this. However, I have been carrying this with me for so many years. How can I stop feeling guilty? -- Dave, 44
Dr. Susan: You will stop feeling guilty when you start living an honest life. Not very many women will accept their husband's male lover. Why do you and your lover insist on staying married when your lives with your wives are so full of lies and deceit? It would be so much cleaner to make arrangements to live apart, letting your wife know the truth, and ensuring to the best of your ability that she can get by. Even if your best friend/lover isn't able to do the same, at least you will be behaving ethically. It's never too late to be true to yourself, not to mention to the others who think they know you. A relatively quick but painful transition may be followed by a sense of deep relief on your part.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.