Wants More Than Friendship
Q: I've had one best friend in my entire life, a friend of six-plus years. Until a few days ago, we'd never slept together, and our kisses were limited to a couple barely remembered, intoxicated make-out sessions. Recently, while drunk, she and I had sex for the first time. We've hung out every day since then and have gone through a fair number of condoms over the past few days. I love the girl and sometimes I wonder if I could be IN love with her. The thing is, she doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't feel ashamed or anything, but she says she feels weird afterwards when she thinks about it. I want to talk about it with her, see if we can't come to some kind of mutual understanding, but how do I do that when the idea of talking about it seems to scare her, which is exactly the opposite of what I want to do? -- Adam, 25
Dr. Susan: Clearly, there has been an underlying sexual tension in your relationship with your best friend all along. Getting drunk allowed both of you to let go of your inhibitions and get physical. She doesn't want to talk about it, and so I suggest you give her some time to sort out her feelings. Ideally, without confusing things further by continuing to sleep together. I suspect she's having a hard time reconciling her long friendship with you with these physical feelings. Whether or not you're "in love" with her is irrelevant, as that would simply mean your hormones are trying to convince you to keep going through those condoms. If you value the friendship, you may have to give up the sex. It seems that the idea of a long-term love relationship with you is something she's not ready to talk about or even allow in her mind. In general, I'm of the opinion that things one feels weird about afterward might not be the wisest things to continue engaging in.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.