Fooling Around or Serious?
Q: I was married and ready to leave my wife. I started to see a 21-year-old girl. It was to be a one-nighter, but it turned into more. She is married with the understanding that she and her husband are just roommates. It seems like she wants to fight over the smallest things, and she makes a big deal out of them. How can I change a player into a lover and take it to the next level? I don't know if it matters but I have one child and she has two. We both get along with each other's kids really well. -- Nate, 31
Dr. Susan: Yes, it certainly does matter that both of you are married with kids. You both sound like players, so the first thing I would suggest is that you end your marriage with some integrity before you try to get this 21-year-old girl to be your new mate. It's such a common misconception that someone you've slept with is really your true love forever. If this girl is just roommates with her husband, which I doubt, then the deal they have might be that they can fool around (I still doubt it), but that they aren't to get serious about someone else and break up their family. She's fighting over silly things because she's not willing to put any energy into making a real relationship with you. She's bad news. And you are in no position to move to the "next level" with anyone until you've ended your marriage and made sure your child is securely taken care of. What you're doing is a catastrophe-in-the-making, about to cause huge pain to several people.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.