Nice Guys Don't Have ...
Here's my deal. I'm a 20-year-old guy, and I have had some pretty bad relationships. I'm not a bad looking guy, I'm not being cocky about myself, it's just I know I'm pretty good-looking. I have an awesome sense of humor, and I'm easy to talk to. I have a ton of girls who are my friends, but no "girlfriends." I'm confident about meeting girls, but for some reason, I always end up just a guy friend rather than the boyfriend. Plus I also tend to fall for girls who I'm friends with, and it seems like I never have a chance at hooking up with them in a relationship. Not only are they usually not interested in me that way in the first place, but even if they might be, I'm afraid of hurting the friendship if I try for more. What really gets to me, though, is when some of those girls I'm friends with, and am falling for, tell me "Why can't I find a guy like you!" and yet they persist to not be attracted to me. What's the deal? Got any advice?
Dr. Susan: You HAD to hit me with the major guy question of the century, didn't you?! I'll give you two answers, a short one that you won't want to hear, and a longer one. The short one: in a decade or two, most of the short-sighted girls who didn't view you as a real love partner early on will have been married and divorced and finally realizing that a best guy friend also makes the very best long-term lover of all. But, you're probably saying, who said anything about long-term? You just want women to see you as something other than a friend. Then here are some tips to try:
- LOOK to your own requirements for a date: is your interest limited to only the so-called hottest babes - or could you give a second look to some of the quieter types who aren't getting a million dates every week and who might appreciate your interest more? I don't mean ugly girls. I mean your own equivalent on the female side - friendly girls with a great sense of humor and good values
- SHOW your more playful exciting side. Hint here and there at your fantasies, act manly without being macho, show your soft side but don't be a total wimp.
- DON'T be TOO eager and needy. Needy you are, obviously, but that doesn't mean you have to do your female friends endless favors, let them ignore your boundaries, or take advantage of you as though you're everyone's brother.
- HANG onto those friends of yours - someday one of them may introduce you to a friend of hers who looks at you with fresh (and admiring) eyes. Just don't spend too much of your free time with them - get out and mingle!
- BE PATIENT. Most of the girls you're probably meeting are even younger than you are, and they haven't a clue as to what's good for them yet. Perhaps consider those a few years older -- and don't judge them all by the ones who can't seem to see what a prize you are.
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Advice for Her
Advice for Him
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.