He's Still on Dating Sites
Q: I am a widow, and I am now engaged to be married. My fiance still gets e-mail from women on dating sites, and he does not know I have been reading his e-mail. How should I confront him about this? I love him very much. -- Betty, 58
Dr. Susan: You've managed to find yourself in a true quandary. You know you shouldn't be snooping into his email, though you found exactly what you hoped NOT to find: evidence of his extra-curricular activities. Oops. So now what do you do? Simple: you apologize for snooping, but add that you felt you had reason to look deeper before getting married. Something must have tipped you off that he wasn't fully committed, right? Don't put off confronting him about your unease. Couples who are going to be married shouldn't have this kind of secret (both your snooping and his receipt of emails from other women). Perhaps he'll say he hasn't answered the emails, or that he hasn't taken the time to remove himself from those sites. He should remove himself while you watch, and he can show you if he hasn't replied. If he has, he owes you a big explanation. Trust takes time to develop, and you both have to do your part to build it.
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Advice for Her
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.