Marry a Gay Guy?
Q: Is it wrong to have a friendship/relationship with a gay male friend? I am a 49-year-old straight female, and I have one of the best relationships with a gay man! I know it sounds weird but we both have very strong feelings toward each other. He is not "out" but his family and a few close friends know he's gay. He has said he wants to make a lifelong commitment to me and has even wondered what it would be like to be married to me, I guess minus the sexual closeness, but he has said things like holding each other and other romantic things he could give me. I am very confused. He is gay but says he loves me. We feel we are each other's soulmates. We have a very strong bond and he is a great human being. Any advice? -- Marie, 49
Dr. Susan: My advice is not to make any commitments with a fellow who isn't out to the world yet. Gay men do marry straight women in order to have what they believe is a "normal" family life, but they usually continue having gay lovers. The only way you can do something like this is if you, the female, knows exactly what you can expect from him. He may have extremely strong, fond, friendly feelings for you, but you would, before very long, become just good friends who share a living arrangement. If you feel you've thought it through and can accept being a wife without being a lover, I'd still say consult a therapist. What happens if he falls in love with one of his gay lovers? Why not just stay great friends and take away the pressure on him of trying to be romantic with you to please you? There are many kinds of love, and some of them don't make for the best marriages.
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Advice for Her
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.