Has He Cooled Toward Her?
Q: I been in a relationship with a man for nearly four years. He would come over my house every day until a year ago when he got a new job and a new car. After that, he started visiting me less and less often. It went from 7 days, to 5 days, to 3 days, to now just 1 day a week. Sometimes he'll visit over the weekend if he's not working. Do you think he still loves me, or does he just not want to be around me anymore? I go back and forth between thinking he is working hard for our future to thinking he's looking for a new woman. -- Tasha, 38
Dr. Susan: You can't base someone's love for you entirely on how often he comes to see you. But from every day to once a week is quite a drop. By the time you've been a couple for four years, you really ought to know more about him. You shouldn't have to guess if he is in love with you or seeking someone new. Of course, it would be much easier to be sure he was working hard for your joint future if you were married and committed. Both of you need to be more open and honest. Have you asked why things have changed so much? Has he explained about his new job being way more tiring, or some other reason he doesn't visit often? Is he as attentive to you, calling you, making plans for the future with you? I would take those gut feelings of yours seriously, though, and try to get more information. Also, why is he only visiting you, rather than you going there sometimes?
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Advice for Her
Advice for Him
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.