Cheating and Miserable
Q: I have been in touch with a friend of my husband's over the last few months. One night I had sex with him. I feel that my hubby might have noticed it, but I don't know how to disclose it to him. I am also getting a strong desire to have sex again with him, but this time I want to have with the consent of my hubby. How can I open the subject and make my hubby agree? I love my hubby very dearly and also I don't want to cheat on him. Please help me. -- Leigh, 27
Dr. Susan: Yikes. Has your husband ever given you any indication that he would like to open up your marriage so that each of you has relationships with other people? Such arrangements occasionally work. It's not such a good sign that you've begun by sleeping with his friend. If you don't want to cheat, then avoid this friend until you get this straightened out with your husband. It's possible to love your mate and still be attracted to other men, but you made a commitment. You needn't take every passing attraction as something you have to act on.
You must figure out a way to tell your husband that you would like to open your marriage up for both of you. Are you ready for that, for having him see other women? If so, and he says, sure, let's try it, then you can gently say you've been seeing his friend. He may hit the roof, but hopefully he won't clobber you. Expect a lot of jealousy and distress, especially over the fact that you chose his friend to betray him with. That's going to make it harder for him to trust you again. There is no easy solution to the mess you've gotten yourself into, but honesty (better late than never) may open a door to saving your marriage.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.