Is Closure Ever Possible?
Q: There's this guy that I still like even though it's been 6 years since I've seen him, when he broke my heart by saying he was moving to another state. We started becoming friends when he lived here, he was always flirting with me, and we ended up fooling around. His nervousness told me he was hiding something, and every time we would get close and kiss, he would bring up his family. He would say stuff like I wish I could marry you, you're nice and I like you. At the same time, he started saying that we should cool it because he wondered what my family would think, and then he decided to move away. Recently I found him on Facebook and he has a little baby girl now and he lives in the same city as me. Why did he lie to me? If he didn't want to be involved anymore he should of just said so. I moved on but I still would like to understand so I could have closure. -- Linda, 44
Dr. Susan: "Closure" is such a nice warm fuzzy word, Linda. If only it were always possible to obtain! It's impossible to know why a particular guy lied, but I can make some guesses, if that would help you. He had decided that he didn't want to get more deeply involved with you and said he was moving to avoid a loud and messy scene with you. Or he was lying all along and already had a wife or girlfriend and was just fooling around with you. Flirts are sometimes great big liars who are only playing for the sheer fun of it, or to exert their power. When you allow yourself to feel special and flattered because of the flirting, you're not playing by the same rules as the flirt is. When a guy says he wishes he could marry you, you have to wonder why that's so impossible. The only closure you can have here is that you found out what you thought was a real relationship was probably nothing of the kind. Next time you suspect someone is hiding something, ask a lot more questions and don't let your heart get broken.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.