Porn Makes Her Furious
Q: Due to his use of online porn, my partner of 15 years isn't turned on by me at all anymore. I'm so humiliated and hurt I want to leave him, but after 15 years together it's not easy. He continues to rape these whores he views and cast me aside. He's become an addict and I'm devastated. I used to be his dream girl but now I'm bad porn. And I feel inferior in every way. -- Melinda, 50
Dr. Susan: I understand how you feel, that sense of fury over being rejected. Easily available porn makes it simple for a guy to fulfill his need for visual stimulation. Some of these guys then go on to get addicted and lose interest in real live women. Most, though, appreciate the difference between fantasy and having a real person in their bed.
I would like to assure you that this is not about you being inferior. Perhaps you and your mate let your non-sexual intimacy slide. Sure, it's hard to feel affection toward someone who rejects you. I suggest you tell him he has to work with you on this or you'll have no choice but to pursue a more fulfilling life without him. He can begin by keeping his online viewing out of your sight. (Some women find that not confronting these "women" directly makes it easier to compartmentalize them as just something their men do in their free time.) We all have a right to our fantasies, but when they make our mates miserable, something has to be done to minimize the damage. If he still cares about you, he'll work with you on this. If not, he's the one saying good-bye. Above all, don't scold or act like his mother or maid. Focus on having some old-fashioned fun with him, if he's still willing.
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Advice for Her
Advice for Him
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.