He Wants to End It
Q: We're both married to others but have been having an affair for more than five years. I'm 33 and he's 56, and he was my boss (I resigned). I love him so much, but lately he's been cold to me. I told him that I'm really hurt with the way he neglects me. He told me that it's not going to work anymore since we're both married. He told me that I've been demanding lately. Our main problem is communication. All I want is for him to make time for us. He wants us to part ways, but I can't take it - I'll die! I love him! What will I do? -- Chris, 33
Dr. Susan: I don't agree that your main problem is communication. It's all quite clear: You want to keep having this affair with your former boss, and he's had enough of you. Even if you were married to one another, he would probably be spending less time with you after five years, as that is how relationships develop over time. But you want more. He's been giving all he feels like giving, and now he wants out. That doesn't mean he won't start an affair with someone else. But none of that should concern you. You made a choice to devote five years of your life, years you were married to someone else, to this fellow. And now it's over. And no, you aren't likely to die from the pain and grief, though it has to hurt a lot. The affair had to end sometime, as it had nowhere to go, no way to grow. You're still young enough to have a lot of joy in your life, but not with this married man. First, determine if there's anything worth saving in your marriage. If not, find something to get involved in, preferably not another married man. Something to give you time to get over this whole sorry mess.
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Advice for Her
Advice for Him
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.