He's Happy w/o Commitment

Q: I'm 45 and seeing a man who tells me he doesn't want a serious relationship. We are friends, we laugh, we go out, we are intimate. Am I just kidding myself and setting myself up for hurt in thinking that our sexual relationship can continue without my becoming emotionally attached to him? He is very a loving, gentle and attentive lover and always cuddles and talks with me after. He knows that I will date others should the opportunity present itself, but that idea, in theory, doesn't seem to bother him. How do I get him to admit he is more involved than he lets on? -- Donna

Dr. Susan: Ah, the beauty of projection! Donna, I'm pretty sure it's you who are deeply attached to him, rather than the reverse. The funny thing about a great many men is that they say just what they mean, without all the hidden layers of meaning you might expect (or hope for). Your guy is getting all his needs met right now, so why should he bother with an additional level of commitment? You offer him fun, companionship, and sex, and you aren't currently running around with others. He's as serious about you as he's going to be. And now you have to decide if YOUR needs are being met by this basically casual relationship. If you long for the security of a "serious" relationship, try dating others. Either you'll find someone who thinks like you do, or -- maybe -- your current lover will realize he does want to keep you to himself for good. You're only setting yourself up for hurt if you want more than you have at this very moment. Are you the type who can live in the moment, for years and years? You're the only one who knows the answer to that.

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