Dumped and Can't Stop Crying
Q: How can my partner of 13 years start a new relationship with a women he has known for two weeks? I'm devastated and can't stop crying. I can't sleep, think or eat. I've never felt these feelings before. Will I ever trust a man? I'm so lost, and I have no friends. Yes, I've tried many sites to meet people. The love of my life used to always say I was an idiot, and now I know why. He was using me until someone better came along. How can anyone hurt another like this? My parents left me at the age of 9 months. Why can't I even make a friend? It feels like my best friend has died and I've lost everything. I can't stop crying. How do I move on? -- Diane, 49
Dr. Susan: Oh, how I wish I could say your reactions are unusual! Unfortunately, partners betray one another all the time, and the results are exactly what you're describing. I'd call it depression. It's that feeling that the whole of your life hasn't been what you thought it was. The feeling that the ground on which you stand has lost gravity, and nothing makes sense anymore. I strongly urge you to see a doctor or therapist, since you haven't any close friends to share with. Especially since you were left as a baby, you have extra-strong issues around abandonment. You might benefit from a medication to get you through the toughest part of this, but I urge you NOT to blame yourself. Just because your mate treated you like an idiot, doesn't mean you are one. Quite the contrary: to trust someone you love is not foolish, not idiotic. Sadly, though, it does open you up to this kind of intolerable pain if they betray you.
Right now, all your issues are piling on top of one another, so that you have trouble making friends, you worry that your mate was correct in his assessment of you, that he was just using you all along and never cared for you, that ever trusting again is out of the question. You need to take these problems one at a time, and you can't really begin to do any of it until you've gotten past the endless crying stage. That can take days or weeks, but if you find you simply can't move on even a little, do see someone for help. The death of a relationship is extraordinarily painful, and when that was all you felt you had, it's even worse. But please believe that you will eventually see some light again. Let me assure you that your partner's behavior, his super-quick attachment to a new female, isn't about YOUR flaws. In fact, he's the idiot here.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.