Will It Be Good Again?
Q: I've been married to a great guy for 32 years. Aside from some issues with my grown kids, I am struggling with two problems. One is age-related, as sex isn't quite as enjoyable as it was when I was younger. Am I ever going to enjoy sex like I did up until now?
I also have obsessive thoughts about a man I know. I have no intention of ever cheating on my husband, so why do I have such obsessive thoughts? - Cindy, 54
Dr. Susan: Both parts of your question may be related. A man of your acquaintance whom you don't know as well as your husband of 32 years is more exciting to think about. And since sex at home, for the normal reasons of aging and long marriage, has lost some of its luster for you, you're finding thoughts of this stranger arousing. It's been suggested that you take those excited feelings to bed with you, and fantasize about the other guy when you're with your husband. He doesn't need to know (and he probably uses his own imagination to help him along).
Will you enjoy sex again as much as you used to? I asked sex therapist Laurie Watson (her blog: http://www.AwakeningsCtr.com/blog.php) and she had this to say: "Hormonal changes of aging can reduce sexual pleasure. Check with your gynecologist to see if you should take a replacement. Increase pleasure with long, slow lovemaking -- it may take longer to reach orgasm as we age. Or use a vibrator for some quick fun! Your thoughts -- fantasies about past lovers, neighbors and the pool boy -- are normal and don't mean you are a cheater. Many women use thoughts like these to get into sex or just before orgasm to reach the crest."
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.