She's In a Hurry
Q: I joined an online dating service and met a man several months ago. I'm widowed, he's divorced. He lives about an 8-hour drive from my home. We advanced from the dating service, to emails, and then to phone calls. He was very attentive and we had great conversations about anything and everything! He just visited in person for five days. We had a great time, doing the mundane things a couple would do - the zoo, shopping for groceries, cooking together, getting together with my friends and my grown children. We were sad when he left for home, but had decided next time it was my turn to visit him.
When he got home, he became different, quieter, not calling as much. He told me that even though he had a great time here, it put him in a perplexing situation because he did not want to move (although he said he would for the right person). He now feels we moved too fast and wants to "let things happen however they will - don't force it." He likes me a lot, but doesn't know if he loves me. How much time should I give him? I really like him and would like to see us try a love relationship. -- Connie, 56
Dr. Susan: His being anxious about moving is a legitimate concern. He'd be leaving everything and everyone behind, and he hardly knows you yet. What he seems to mean is exactly what he said, that he likes you but isn't head-over-heels in love. "Trying a love relationship" isn't something you can necessarily plan for, much less give an ultimatum about. You may be better off sticking with what you have now, which is frequent communication, and then a visit by you to his world when you can. Keep in mind that you lost your spouse to death, while he lost his to divorce. He may have reason to be more wary than you about getting in too deep, too soon. Many men (and women too) prefer to hang loose and see what happens. That seems to be his personality and preference. If you really like him a lot, don't push, and don't count on anything too far ahead.
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Advice for Her
Advice for Him
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.