He Avoids Kissing
Q: Ever since my boyfriend of 2 years and I moved in together, our sex life has diminished. But the thing that bothers me most is that he barely kisses me anymore. He always has an excuse, usually that he hasn't brushed his teeth. It was only months ago that he didn't care about that. I've tried to talk with him about it and he just gets mad. Even during sex, we don't kiss very often. He was just gone for four days and he went immediately to hug me and when I looked up to kiss him, I could feel that he had to force himself to do so. What's going on? I'm afraid his feelings have changed. He told me today that it doesn't mean anything, that that's just the way it is and to get over it. -- Suzanne, 37
Dr. Susan: Kissing is the most delightful and intimate part of foreplay for many people. Even so, the ratio of kissing to going directly to the sex act changes over time. But you needn't give up on kissing if you still crave it. Your boyfriend sounds insensitive. When a woman needs and desires more kissing to reach the point where she's ready to move to the next step, she's going to be a much more enthusiastic lover if her needs are met. Your boyfriend isn't willing to make the effort to give you what you want. That he gets mad when you ask is a very bad sign for the future of this partnership. Of course, you ought to rule out the obvious hindrances first. Are you sure your breath is fresh? Have you ever made a crack about his breath, so that he's insecure about it? You may be right, though, about his feelings having changed. Kissing you after four days away shouldn't be such a chore. Bring it up again, and this time try to find an analogy he can relate to. How would he react if you said you no longer wanted to touch him a certain way or to do some act he likes more than you do?
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Advice for Her
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.