Hubby Suspects Affair
Q: How do I get my marriage back to where it was before? Half a year ago, my daughter from a previous marriage told my current husband that it was none of his business what goes on between her father and me. Then I made a statement that I didn't want to kiss him passionately, and also added that he may not be "the one." Bad choice of words on my part. Because I really do love my husband and want to grow old with him. He has always been the rock and guiding light in my life. I can't imagine my life without him in it. At this point he doesn't trust me. He thinks I am having an affair with my ex. That is the furthest thing from the truth. I would never do that with him or anyone. My marriage and the love I have for my husband are the most important things in my life. Please tell me how I might be able to fix this problem before I lose the only man I really love. -- Gale, 40
Dr. Susan: Bad choice of words indeed. I can only imagine what might have driven you to tell your husband that he may not be the one for you. When we get angry, as everyone does, it's really crucial that we don't let our emotions get totally carried away. Once said, certain words can take years and years to fade in someone's memory, if they ever do. Eventually, if you can prove you were just in a bad place and said something stupid that you honestly didn't mean, not even at the time, the echo of those words might get fainter in your husband's mind.
Your daughter sounds as though she's a bit confused about her loyalties. She wanted to keep your relationship with her father totally private from her stepdad (makes me wonder what went on), but the truth is that your loyalty now needs to be with your husband, not her father. That does sound confusing! Sit your daughter down and explain to her how important your marriage is and tell her to come to you rather than spout off to her stepdad.
So let's get to the bottom of this hole you've dug for yourself: Why does your husband not trust you? What have you done to cause him to suspect you're having an affair? The most likely way to fix things up again is to be totally honest with him and ask him what you can do to have him trust you again, that you'll do anything you can, because you can't bear the thought of losing him. And watch your mouth. Second marriages have to be handled especially carefully, with much sensitivity and compassion on all sides. They break up more readily than first marriages
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.