Had the Younger, But Wants the Older
Q: I liked a guy for a very long time, though we never dated. When he moved away and had a girlfriend for five years, I got close to his younger brother. We didn't date, but we eventually started hooking up. He reminded me of his older brother. Now the love of my life is back here and he and his girlfriend are no longer together and no chance of reconciling. I think he has feelings for me, and his and my friends confirm this, but everyone thinks he wishes to deny those feelings because of what I did with his brother. Is there anything I could do to change his perspective on things, to prove to him that he's the only one and that the only reason I ever hooked up with his brother was because I thought I would never have the chance to be with him. Or am I just doomed and need to give up ? -- Kiki
Dr. Susan: "Doomed" is a strong word for what you are, Kiki, but I don't know any good way to get this fellow to feel comfortable with you now that you've had sex with his younger brother. It's not going to make him feel better to know you really wanted him (the older brother) and just settled for the younger one for the time being. Men are known for extreme sexual jealousy, and brothers are so often competitive to begin with. Your best bet is to rethink this obsession altogether. He's not the love of your life. Far from it. You never even dated. You don't know him very well, since you've both grown a lot in the past five years. At least you should have. There's no way you can honestly convince him he's the only one when that's just an old unfulfilled fantasy of yours. Let things play out naturally: be friendly if you have the opportunity, and if he asks you out, go. If he asks you why you hooked up with his brother, tell him. Spread the word that you wish he would ask you out and get to know the "real" you. If he doesn't nibble at the bait, fish elsewhere.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.