Ex Emails for Coffee
Q: I divorced my husband almost five years ago. I finally got back in the dating game about a year ago and have been seeing this great guy for maybe about six weeks. Hes kind and sensitive, and we have a great time together. Because my ex-husband and I never had kids there was no real reason to continue contact with him. Recently though, I have found myself thinking about him. The good times, that is. Just last week he emailed me. I found it kind of coincidental that here I was thinking about him and now he emails me. I enjoy spending time with my current boyfriend, but I do wonder why I have been thinking about my ex. On top of that, I have this email to write back. My ex would like to get together for coffee just to talk. I know I shouldnt, but part of me wonders, should I? Is an innocent coffee date a recipe for disaster? -Sarah, 48
Dr. Anna: Take a step back and think about what you want for yourself right now. Are you looking for another long term relationship? Would you actually want to get back together with your ex? When people divorce, its usually with good reason. But on the other hand, people change and grow. You should decide first if youd really want to entertain the idea of getting back into a relationship with him. Be totally honest with yourself. If you really do want to open your heart back up to your ex, then be honest with the guy youre dating. If you dont, then be clear with your ex that coffee is just coffee. If you feel its better to keep up boundaries with your ex, you can choose to not reply at all or just reply very brieflyjust because he asked you out doesnt mean you have to say yes.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.