Has He "Sown His Wild Oats"?
Q: My husband and I have been married for fifteen years. We were married young and while I have no regrets, I think he does. I know he loves me (and I love him) but I know he also wonders what he missed out on. We've still got a lot of years left, should I give him the chance to find out? —Diane-33
Dr. Pamela: You're so right. In my own research with very happily married couples, I found that some women are the more highly sexed ones in their relationships. And they work it out one way or another, just like when the reverse is the case. How, you ask? This may be an uYour situation is difficult and painful. And the short answer to your question is "No!" What's troubling is that you seem prepared to make a marriage-breaking decision based on the way you think your husband feels. You don't know for sure how he feels or why. It's clear that you and your husband aren't communicating. That lack of communication makes it easy for one or both of you to feel frustrated, anxious and alone.
Are you as happy in the marriage as you as you claim? Perhaps, you're afraid of making a decision you'll regret, so you are ready to have it made for you. If you allow your husband to sow some oats, maybe he'll meet someone and ask you for a divorce. In the eyes of your friends and family, you won't be the one who threw in the towel. This way of avoiding decisions is a common strategy. But it's not a healthy one.
Remember that all relationships go through ups and downs. A couple in harmony will address problems with support and affection. But when a couple is out of synch, the talk is harsh, the support is absent, and distance sets in. (any of this sounding familiar?)
Tell your husband how you feel and ask him how he feels. Then the two of you together can decide how to preserve and nurture your marriage. Now is the time to seek help, through support groups, marital therapy or, if appropriate, your religious institution. The two of you need outside guidance. Good luck.
Copyright © Fun Online Corporation
Advice for Her
Advice for Him
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.