Is Her Weight Turning Men Off?
Q: My problem is my weight. I'm not huge, but I've got a lot of junk in the trunk and a tummy. I'm getting so sick of online dating because these overweight guys say they want someone skinny and young. I've even had guys message me that I'm too fat for them. It's really cruel and depressing. I don't want to give up on finding someone who loves me for me, but I don't want to be put through all this nastiness that some guys spew. How do I find a decent guy who doesn't mind a curvy woman? I look around and I see other couples where there's a big woman and a nice looking man. Why can't I find that? -Charlene-51
Dr. Pamela: There's no doubt about it, heavier women have a tougher time meeting men through online dating sites than thinner women. But lots of online daters are at disadvantage. Just ask a 50-year-old bald man making less than $30,000 a year. There's plenty of discrimination on dating sites to go around; it's the nature of the beast. Here's a twist: Think of those cruel remarks as sneak peaks into someone's true nature. Anyone that would make a rude comment online is a not kind. You deserve to be with someone who is respectful and considerate of your feelings. Don't settle for less. To attract the right person you first need to understand and value yourself. The good men out there know the difference between a woman with self-worth and a woman with self-pity.
Try to change the way you think of online dating. It's not something you win or lose. You are not doomed to being single the rest of life if you don't meet someone by a certain time. Enjoy the process of getting to know and meeting new people. Your size only matters if you make it matter. There's nothing more unattractive than leading with your unhappiness about not having a man in you life.
And despite your experience so far, remember there are many men in the world who think plus size is the right size.
You can also change your venues. Try finding online sites and communities for plus-sized men and women. Start with a search time like "plus size dating sites." And don't forget that the old-fashioned way to meet a man still works. Take a class, volunteer, or attend community events. You never know who might be living around the corner.
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Advice for Her
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.