When Will He See The Light?
Q: My boyfriend broke up with me because he couldn't open up. I know he loved me, but he couldn't say it most of the time. He started avoiding talking to me and just texting. Then he started saying he was going through a rough time at work and needed more time on his own to think about things. Then he asked me to take some of my stuff home because it was making his house messy and he couldn't think straight with all my stuff around. When I got mad and told him he was closing off from feelings, he told me he needed a break. I gave him a week and then said I wanted to talk to him. I told him I know he loves me and that he's just scared. He said he just needed time to do his own thing. I asked if that meant we would still date, and he just shrugged his shoulders. He said he would call me when he figured things out. Well he didn't call, and so two weeks later I showed up at his house and told him he needed to open up to me. He said he couldn't and that he wanted me to get the rest of my stuff. I'm heartbroken. I know he still loves me but he's scared. How can I get him to see that he's throwing away the best relationship he's ever had and that he needs to man up and deal with his feelings? Amanda-24
Dr. Pamela: I'm sorry that your breakup is causing you such pain. It's emotionally devastating when someone you love rejects you. Your pain makes sense, but what doesn't make sense is that you think he made a mistake and he truly loves you. Sadly, your ex-boyfriend's actions don't support what you wish to be true. His catalogue of unkind and thoughtless excuses sounds like the top ten warnings signs for, He's Just Not That Into You.
Your expectations for the relationship blinded you to the reality that he wanted out. Don't waste time searching for reasons. The two of you just weren't right for each other. You're not wrong to feel you're a catch, but you are wrong to insist that you're HIS catch. You can't convince someone to like you more than he does. His feelings may or may not change. But you need to acknowledge his decision, accept the situation, and not try to get him to change his mind. You are grieving a major loss. Give yourself time to go through the healing process. As you do, practice self-care by reaching out to friends and family, engaging in a new activity or simply taking your laptop to Starbucks to be with people. Create a new world for yourself. And remember, no matter how much you're hurting now; you will fall in love again.
Copyright © Fun Online Corporation
Advice for Her
Advice for Him
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.