His Friends Hate Her

Q: I'm 20, and a couple years ago I got out of a four-year relationship with a total jerk. Then a few months ago I met this GREAT guy and I fell head over heels for him. But then his friends started trying to get us to break up because we were "spending too much time together," according to them, so we ended up breaking up for that reason and because I wasn't fully ready for a relationship. Over the summer I sorted out a lot of things and made him the number one thing I want in my life. But he tells me he doesn't know if he wants a relationship now, so I said I was willing to wait, but he won't even look at me or talk to me. The break-up was partly my fault but I apologized over and over and I've shown him that I've changed and I'm ready for the long-term thing. Should I wait to see if he does want a relationship or should I try and move on?? -- Dana

Dr. Susan: It's pointless to wait for someone who may someday want a relationship with you, when he meanwhile won't even look at you. I suspect neither of you is yet ready for "the long-term thing," with each other or anyone else. If you broke up because his friends wanted you to, what does that say about your readiness to commit to a complex adult relationship? I also get concerned when you say you're now ready to make him "the number one thing you want in your life." Based on what?! A quickie relationship that ended badly and now holds out the fantasy of being perfect? Remember, sometimes you don't need words to spell out emotions. He's not talking to you. Maybe he's not that much "greater" than the jerk you were with before. Stop apologizing and start forgetting him.

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