Jealous of Mate's Fun with Others

Q: My husband and I have been together four years. We get along well, but the problem is he plays in a bowling league and hangs out two nights a week with his teammates. Ladies too. These girls stay out with the guys after the games are over and they drink late into the night together. My husband sometimes doesn't come home until 2 in the morning, even on a week night! If I complain, he just says he needs time with his buddies. He says to stop nagging. When I ask if any of the ladies were there, he acts like he can't remember. Then he promises to take me to dinner the next night. That's nice, but I'm getting tired of this mess. Am I worrying for nothing? --Carmen, 48

Dr. Susan: I understand how concerning it is to have your husband out drinking until two in the morning a couple times a week. Who drives when everyone's drunk, by the way? It can be hard to get to sleep when your mate is not home yet, when he's having fun with others of both sexes rather than snuggling up to you in bed. A married woman I know used to hang out and drink and laugh till all hours with a group of classmates, men and women, one night a week. Her husband was very jealous and that marriage blew up. So far as I know, the only thing to be jealous of was the fact that his wife was having the most fun of her life with others, not with him. Those happy drink-filled late nights went on for years.

I assume you're not willing or able to join the league? Could you occasionally join the group after the bowling, and share in the laughter (drinking minimally if you want to)? Nagging won't help. Sometimes you have to put up with stuff like that and try not to be jealous unless you have evidence.

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