Serious Wedding Doubts
Q: In a few months I will be married, and I am consumed by doubts about it. My husband-to-be is a wonderful man: kind, steady, generous. He's the kind of guy who will cook me dinner after a long day at work, who surprises me with coffee in bed in the morning, who remembers to pick up the dry cleaning. The thing is, he's just not the guy I always thought I would marry. We come from very different backgrounds, he's a homebody who's uncomfortable in the social situations I thrive in, and, well, he's kind of boring! I worry that if we wed I'll always wonder 'what if,' but I also think I could probably never do better than this simple, sweet man who loves me. What do I do? -- Sherry, 31
Dr. Susan: Now is the time to do some deep thinking. My first husband was boring when we dated, but somehow I ignored that. Sadly, a divorce and many years later, he's still a bore. If you're a serious extrovert who loves to be social, and he's an introvert who prefers to be social almost never, you will have conflicts. Some couples adapt or grow more alike over time. Some grow further apart. "Simple, sweet, and loves you" may not be a compelling reason to commit to him forever. You're young enough to at least find someone who doesn't bore you, but who is kind and good at the same time. I'm not sure what kind of guy you were imagining you would marry, but perhaps you could aim for someone part way between that fantasy and this wonderful but boring fellow. Meanwhile, don't tell him he bores you. If you decide to break it off, confess you've been obsessing about your different needs for a long time.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.