Blowing Her Off?

Q: I met a man a year ago (he is the neighbor of my best friend). A few months later, I decided to break from the safety of my shy shell and let him know I wanted to get to know him better. We talked for a few months on the phone. His job is very demanding, since he directs a local government office. He would call when he was able to, and we finally went out and hit it off very well. But the last time we talked was over a month ago and I had to call him. Does this mean he's not interested, even in friendship? Would it be okay for me to call and see how he's doing, or does not hearing from him mean he's "blowing me off"? -- Cammi

Dr. Susan: Bravo for reaching out and trying! What breaks my heart is when a shy person finally makes the effort to be social, and it doesn't seem to go anywhere, and they don't have the courage to try again for ages and ages. I hope you won't let this happen to you, Cammi. Because no matter how demanding someone's job is, if they have any interest in pursuing any kind of relationship, they'll make the time for a phone call or two. Maybe he's simply uninterested in having intimacy in his life.

There's a qualitative difference between phone chat and dating. Now that you've dated, he's reluctant to backtrack to just a phone buddy relationship. Maybe all that chatter was in the interests of eventually getting physical (a not uncommon way for a guy to perceive of things), and then it either didn't happen or he decided he didn't want it to happen. Or he could be shy or passive himself, in which case he's used to being the pursued, not the pursuer. There wouldn't be anything wrong with calling him once more, maybe asking him out for something very casual, but if he remains cool, forget him and aim yourself somewhere you'll be more appreciated.

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