How to Know His Feelings?
Q: I'm 18 years old and just moved 450 miles away for college. Before I left I was "seeing" a 23-year-old guy. We fooled around and hung out some before I left, but I wasn't sure how things were going to work out. I've been home once since then and saw him while I was there. Do you think he's just using me, or could there be mutual feelings on his end too? He seems like he cares about me, but at the same time I feel like he doesn't want to become too attached. What should I do? Should I talk to him about the way I'm feeling though we're far apart? -- Stefani, 18
Dr. Susan: You're being a little unrealistic to suppose that this "is it or isn't it" relationship can survive your separation. For a long-distance relationship to work there has to be a solid bond to begin with. He may enjoy your company, but I doubt very much that he is going to stay home and wait for you. His desire to remain free of ties makes a lot of sense at his and your young age. I'm not sure what would be gained by your telling him you like him at this point. Sure, you both like each other, but you live too far apart. You have a lot of experiences waiting for you at college, if you open yourself to the possibilities. Is he using you? Only if you let him.
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Advice for Her
Advice for Him
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.